+ Afraid To Fly...?! + Photobucket"


~Viviane wrote this poem for me to send it Martin because I can?t find the right words, but I?m not certain if I will send it to him.
I really like it~

alles auf einmal

die sch?nste Sch?nheit,
sch?nste Liebe,
traurigste Trauer,
w?tenste Wut

alles auf einmal
nichts ist mehr da,
wo ist es hin?
kann Nichts mehr klar sehn

Gelebtes Leben,
ob?s noch besteht?
Verwirrung ohne Grenzen,
kann nicht mehr klar sehn,
willst du mich verletzen?
Kanns nicht verstehn.

auch die Erinnerung,
so gern gelebtes sein.

Doch sie ist bei mir,
ich f?hl mich so allein

Yesterday I thought a lot, pobably even too much O?, about him and Raffael. And after comparing these feelings I found out, that I love Martin, I love him so much and I am longing and craving for him, I want to hug and to kiss him ;_; that isn?t funny at all.
And Raffael... I have to confess that I even let him kiss me,but I wouldn?t have kissed him out of my own intention. I?m so stupid, how can anybody be so stupid? At that moment I felt so, argh I dunno, so lonely and wanted somebody to hold and to comfort me and in the end Raffael was just a replace for Martin.
I?m so ashamed of myself that I did anything like that, it isn?t because I kissed anyone else but my boyfriend( he said do what you want, gather experiences. And in the and I?m not even sure if we are still a couple, hell, what should I think if he doesn?t reply )(stupid somehow, isn?t it?)but I?m not sure how Raffael will feel when he finds out that I don?t love him( I never said I do), but in the end I don?t know what he feels and what I am for him...
Crying have been everything I was able to to yesterday at home and so I called Viviane who listened patiently. One hour later she called me back and it was her part to cry. And so passed time during we blackbite about boys.tehe We honestly thought about becoming lesbians... but that won?t be a solution, I fear...^^?

I read one of my old diary entries and I just thought, Oh my gosh!
He told me he would always there for me, but where is he right now? Can anybody tell? Not here, right!>_<
21.11.05 17:55


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